My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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