I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
