So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
