I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
