but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
