allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I yelled at your uterus for you.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
