careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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