I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
