Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
