Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
