my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
