but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
