____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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