the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
