On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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