It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
