Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
