Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
