Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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