It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
