Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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