The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
