I never want to see another naked old woman again.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
