Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
