Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
