All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
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