i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
