that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
