He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
