Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
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