Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
