i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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