Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
