The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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