My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
