why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
