I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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