im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
