My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
