hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
