i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
