Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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