good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
