im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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