I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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