She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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