I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
