Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
