never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
True strength comes from lack of pants
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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