your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
